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"Tell Them NAPA Sent You"

by Brian Price and Jerry Stearns



Max - Lead male
Sales girl
NAPA guy
Young street urchin
Siren (teenage girl or woman)
Woman motorist

*actors can easily play more than one part

13 pages, 14 minutes

General, junvenile, college

Copyright 2003 by Brian Price and Jerry Stearns
all rights reserved


About the author:  

Audio drama and comedy writer/producers Jerry Stearns and Brian Price's work has been produced and performed by some public radio's biggest names--Garrison Keillor, David Ossman of the Firesign Theatre and Dan Coffey-aka, Dr. Science. In 1995 they formed Great Northern Audio Theatre Productions. They have written and produced Tumbleweed  Roundup, Permafrost, MN, Peter Galaxy: Interstellar Envoy, and many other shows incuding the live performances celebrating the annual Mark Time Audio Science Fiction Awards. Stearns lives in Minneapolis and hosts "Sound Effects: A Radio Playground" a weekly show on community radio station KFAI-FM. Price lives in Brookings, SD where he produces "The Dakota Reader,"- an occasional audio variety program. They are members of the National Audio Theatre Festivals.

Author Comments:

Like a lot of good stuff, this piece began with a kernel of truth. We really were driving around looking for an autopart that nobody seemed to have. We really were getting frustrated. For the most part--the acting parts can be played close to the actor's strengths--Max as the everyguy, the Wizard as any number of movie-like wizards, and the sales girl and the NAPA guy are characters we've all met over some sales counter somewhere. The Dwarf is based on Dustin Hoffman's Rainman--real flat delivery and he can repeat himself a lot. Anyway, it was fun, and probably therapeutic, to make fun of Tolkien, Harry Potter and sales clerks all in the same play.

For information regarding this script contact:

Brian Price
721 Medary Ave
Brookings, SD  57006

"Ours is not to invent the machines of the future, ours is to make fun of them when they break down."


Summary of Production Script

This comedy opens with the Ulysses-like Max not being able to get his car started. He tries a dealership and he tries an auto parts store and nobody has the replacement part he needs. So, on hot tip he ends up at Dwarf Cavern Fabrications, but they can only get half the job done. So, in search of a wizard who can install the part, he follows a street urchin and a Siren to the hall of infinite doors. Sounds pretty silly, but the thing is--we've all had days like this.


Excerpt from Production Script


Tell Them NAPA Sent You - from page 2 thru page 4

SFX Shop Ding Dong Bell

SFX Different Shop Ding Dong Bell

NAPA: (TALKING ON PHONE) Yeah Joe, no, that 684 was replaced in 1987 by the 685W on the domestic models only, but if you have the original mounting brackets you could probably get by with the D418-maybe the D412. ä.. You might wanna pick up a conversion kit.  And a universal gasket. Yeah, right, bye. (HANGS UP PHONE.) Yup, what can I do for you?

MAX: Hi, yeah, I've got this thing. I'm not sure what it is, but I think I need a replacement part.

NAPA: That's a Pre-emissons Master Flow Valve Sensor Unit.

MAX: It's for a--

NAPA: Yeah, a 2001 Khyber Passť Impaler. Probably the Hatchback.

MAX: You're right. Great.

NAPA: Yeah oh, well, we don't carry stuff for that model.

MAX: What do you mean, why not?

NAPA: Well you see, the Khyber Passť is pretty much a Bosnian knock-off of a Taiwanese Tao TurnAround, which was originally designed to park between fire hydrants and handicap spots. Then they made the engine a little bigger and trunk a little smaller. Or was it the other way around. Anyway, basically, you're dealing with a disposable car. It doesn't need parts.

MAX: A disposable car?

NAPA: Yeah, like razors or VCRs. You use 'em up and throw 'em out. You're not supposed to fix 'em.

MAX: But this car's only two years old. It runs fine. All it needs is this one master flow valve thingy.

NAPA: Probably cost you more than the car's worth.

MAX: But I like this car. My mother likes this car. She says it fits my personality.

NAPA: Well, I'll tell you what. I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I know of a place that does pretty good generic knock-offs. It's a little bit hard to find, but they might be able to fabricate something for you.

MAX: Great. Wonderful.

NAPA: You've go out past the Dark Mall. You're gonna wanna write this down. There's a Pizza King, a light. Then another Pizza King. Then a another light. Then take a right. You'll see two doors. Knock on the lower door. Don't try the high one. Tell 'em NAPA sent you.

MAX: Thanks.

SFX Shop Ding Dong Bell


SCENE 2: Dwarf Cavern Fabrications

SFX Knock on Heavy Door

DWARF: (FROM BEHIND DOOR) You're knocking too high. Knock lower.

MAX: Sorry.

SFX Knock on different part of heavy door

MAX: That better?

DWARF: Yeah, that's ok. What do you want?

MAX: I need a car part made?

DWARF: Go away. Yeah, go away.

MAX: It's something for a 2001 Khyber Passť Impaler.

DWARF: You really oughta go away.

MAX: It's a Hatchback.

DWARF: Yeah, well, we all got our crosses to bear.

MAX: NAPA sent me.

SFX Door Creaks Open - Closes

SFX Sounds like a steel mill in full operation. Anvil/hammer in a cavern, metal banging, hissing...

DWARF: Why didn't you say so. You should've said so. All right. You can come in. Let's see, let's see. I wanna see that. (EXAMINES PART) Mmm, uhhh, Mmmmmm, I don't know.

MAX: (REACTS TO DWARF--THEN) Well? Can you make one?

DWARF: Did you know this is a Pre-emissons Master Flow Valve Sensor Unit?

MAX: Yeah, well, I kind of knew that.

DWARF: You know what it does?

MAX: No, not really.

DWARF: Me neither. I was hoping you'd know. But, I can make one, probably.

MAX: What is this place?

DWARF: Dwarf Cavern Fabrications. Yeah. We're Dwarfs. Yeah, yeah, we're Dwarfs. (BEAT) I can probably make that thing for you. There's two ways you can do it. I can make it out of iron. No wait, not iron. Iron doesn't hold magic. So don't use iron. No, not iron. You're gonna need silver, yeah, mithril silver.

MAX: For a compact car?

DWARF: It's a bit spendy, but yeah.

MAX: Why, um, mythical silver?

DWARF: You want it to last, don't you? And it's mithril silver. It'll last a long time.

MAX: Well, I guess I have no choice. (THINKS) I guess you better go ahead.

DWARF: Okay. You can either wait or go away.

MAX: I guess I'll wait.

DWARF: Ok, here's a magazine.

MAX: Thanks. Dwarf Digest. By the way, what's that smell?

DWARF: That's dwarfs in the morning. Yeah, Dwarfs. Yeah, I love the smell of dwarfs in the morning. (GOES OFF MIC, SHOUTS OVER LOUD SFX) Bye.

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Copyright © 2003
Last modified: June 04, 2015