Excerpt from Production Script
THE PRODIGAL SOCK
by Brian Price
SFX LOUD SPIN
CYCLE WASHING MACHINE
ANNOUNCER: Laundry Day, 1992
JOE KING: (COMING ON MIC) (HUMMING TO SELF)
Hmm, hmm, hmm...
SFX WASHING
MACHINE STOPS - OPEN WASHING MACHINE
JOE: (STOPS
HUMMING) Huh! Huh? Hoo!!!! Oh, no, Oh gosh. Where
is it? It's got to be here. Where could it be?
SFX FRANTIC
SEARCHING SOUNDS
JOE: Oh, this
is horrible. It can't be. (SHOUTS OFF MIC) Elaine,
Elaine, have you seen my sock?
ELAINE: (OFF MIC)
No, I haven't.
JOE: Well,
you've got to help me.
ELAINE: (COMING ON MIC)
Alright, was it clean or dirty?
JOE: Clean, of
course. Nobody ever loses the dirty ones.
ELAINE: Very true. Have
you looked in the dryer?
JOE: Yes.
ELAINE: Stick your head all the
way in?
JOE: Of
course.
ELAINE: How about under the
couch?
JOE: Yes.
ELAINE: The bed?
JOE: Yes.
(GETTING IMPATIENT)
ELAINE: How about, have you
looked on your foot? (GIGGLES)
JOE: Ah, this
is serious, Elaine. It's missing. Don't you understand--my favorite
sock is gone.
ELAINE: It'll turn up.
JOE: It
will not. It's gone. It's out of here. (UNDER BREATH)
Oh, what did I do to deserve this?
ELAINE: Well, it couldn't have
disappeared into thin air.
JOE: It could
to. Remember what happened to the needlenose pliers.
ELAINE: That's different.
Hey, what are you doing?
SFX PICK UP
PHONE DIAL
JOE: Calling
the Kludspars.
ELAINE: You can't just call the
Kludspars--
JOE: Hello,
Sam? Yeah, fine...(FOR EFFECT MUFFLED PHONE VOICE REACTS)...How are the
kids?...(JOE SCREAMS) What the hell have you done with my sock?
ELAINE: Gimme that--they're our
neighbors. Yes, hi Sam...Oh yes, it's a shame...he's a little worried.
By the way, I've been working on the crossword puzzle, you know the New York
Times and I'm stuck on this one--a five letter word for lazy
creature...sloth?...well that'll do it. Why didn't I think of that.
So, you're sure you haven't seen Joe's sock?
JOE: (IN
BACKGROUND) Liar, liar, pants on fire.
ELAINE: Joe, stop that or I'll
hang up.
JOE: I don't
care. He's a thief. He's got my hedgeclippers and my sock. As
a matter of fact, he's got my hedgeclippers, my sock, and he's probably got my
needlenose pliers, too.
ELAINE: I'm hanging up...Bye,
bye, Sam.
SFX HANG UP
PHONE
JOE: Darnit
Elaine. The neighbors were our best suspects and you just let them off the
hook.
ELAINE: Yep, a real shame.
Now, why don't you just calm down and help me with my cross word puzzle.
It'll get your mind off your sock.
JOE: I don't
want to get my mind off my sock. I want my sock back here, safe and sound.
It could be out there somewhere by itself in a gutter or something.
Discouraged, lost, and alone.
ELAINE: So, 5-down. What's
the capital of Bolivia?
JOE: Sofia.
ELAINE: No. I think that's
Bulgaria, but it is 5 letters, a "B" country, and it does seem to fit.
Good, it'll work. So, how about 6-across, Jeannie with the light blank
hair. Huh? Five letters--let's see--red yellow blue, green.
Green has five letters--great. Jeannie with the light green hair--sounds a
little punkish.
SFX KNOCK ON
DOOR OPEN DOOR
MS. RUMPLE: You Joe King.
JOE: Yes.
RUMPLE: You report a missing
sock?
JOE: Yes, but
how did you know?
SNIVEL: Your neighbor squealed
on ya.
JOE: The rat.
RUMPLE: Ah, yes, ah, I'm Ms.
Rumple and this is my assistant technical trainee, Mr. Snivel.
SNIVEL: I liked your neighbor's
attitude.
RUMPLE: (CLEARS THROAT)
And we're with the Underwear Welfare League. And we'd just like to ask you
a few questions.
SNIVEL: And maybe look around a
little bit.
JOE: Sure, I
guess. But let me just say I think you people at the UWL have been doing a
wonderful job. It's important work.
RUMPLE: Of course it is.
Now, go ahead and search the closet.
SNIVEL: Wonderful.
SFX HANGERS
AND BOXES CRASHES, ETC (UNDER NEXT LINES)
SNIVEL: Sloppy, very sloppy.
RUMPLE: Well, let's get to it.
Where is that document?
SFX PAPER
CRUMPLE
RUMPLE: Ah, ok--you have a right
to remain silent. You have a right to remain guilty. You have a
right to the remains of a lawyer and anything you say can and will be
misconstrued against you in a court of law. Now, when did you first notice
your sock was missing?
JOE: As soon
as I couldn't find it.
RUMPLE: And when did that occur?
JOE: As soon
as I looked for it.
RUMPLE: Of course. Now,
when was the last time your shirts were treated for static cling?
JOE: Boy,
that's a toughy. (SHOUTS) Elaine.
ELAINE: (COMING ON MIC)
Yes, dear. Just putting in a load of towels. By the way, what's a
five letter word for a canadian stocking?
RUMPLE: (PAUSE) Hoser, I
believe.
ELAINE: Oh, you're good.
That's great. It'll fit.
JOE: Ah,
Elaine, this is Ms. Rumple with the Underwear Welfare League. She has a
couple of questions--
ELAINE: How nice. Let me
just say I think you people at the UWL are doing a wonderful job. It's
important work.
RUMPLE: Thank you.
SFX DRILLING
NOISES
JOE: Good God,
what was that?
RUMPLE: Core samples.
SNIVEL: (COMING ON MIC)
Here you are, as per procedure.
RUMPLE: Mmmm.
ELAINE: Mmmmmmm.
JOE:
MMMMmmmmmmm.
SNIVEL: MMMMmmmmm, mmmhuh.
JOE: What are
we looking at?
RUMPLE: Lint. This is a
3-foot lint sample from behind your dryer.
|